


Why Didn't You?

by CarnivalofBrokenDolls (yourrhinestoneeyes)



Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: Depression, Ed has a lot of regrets, Ed thinks about what could have happened, Hurt, Kissing, M/M, Regret, hallucination oswald
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-22
Updated: 2017-04-22
Packaged: 2018-10-22 15:07:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10699530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yourrhinestoneeyes/pseuds/CarnivalofBrokenDolls
Summary: No matter what Ed does he can't shake Oswald from his mind, he especially can't shake the memories of the night they shared on the loveseat. What could have gone differently if he'd been a little braver.





	Why Didn't You?

The apparition of his recently departed friend was becoming a common occurrence. His appearances were not something that Ed looked forward to, not now when he was struggling with a sense of self.

Ed returned home to the manor to find Oswald lounging on the loveseat, he watched Ed carefully, a smug smile on his face. He did what he could to ignore the presence of the dead man, there was something about looking at him that caused an aching in Ed’s chest, an aching he did not want to put too much thought into.

“You look stressed Ed.”

“Perhaps that has something to do with you not leaving me alone.” 

“Funny considering this is my home.”

It was their home, a home that they shared together. Ed had been uneasy about the arrangement for the initial first week, he had promised constantly that he would once he had the means, he would look for his own place in the city. He didn’t want to be a burden, he didn’t think that Oswald needed to do so much for him, give him these niceties, not after the way he had turned his back on him.

“Why did you let me live here?”

Oswald rolled his eyes in response to the question.

“You know the reason why, I wasn’t the cold-blooded monster you love making me out to be inside that head of yours.”

He had a hard time believing that.

“What did you expect from me, you wanted something.”

People didn’t do things without expecting something in return. Ed’s mom bought him new toys when he had been young with the expectation that he would keep quiet about her side boyfriends. His father would take him out for ice cream to keep him from talking about where he got his new bruises. Friendly and kind gestures always had something along with them, a negative connotation. Oswald had to have wanted something from him, had to have some plan for him.

“Ed, do you remember that night on the couch? Of course you do, I am literally you after all.”

He bit his tongue to keep from saying something. He wanted to yell that Oswald wasn’t him, but this version of Oswald was him, he was a vision created within the confines of his own mind.

“What does that have to do with this, with what you wanted from me?”

“Come here”

Ed remained standing in the middle of the room. In his mind, he could easily take himself back to the night in question. The fire had been burning like it was now, he had been wearing the robe that Oswald normally wore, he remembered being able to smell his friend’s cologne on it and how comforting the scent was. His throat had been stinging sore, body aching from the force of hitting the stage, it had been worth it though.

“No”

The ghost made a sound of pure annoyance.

“Eddie, I won’t bite, promise.” 

He felt a chill, this felt wrong, he felt wrong. 

Cautiously he moved towards the loveseat, he stood beside of the simple yet expensive piece of furniture and stared down at the hallucination of his friend. Oswald looked up at him, the smugness gone from his features. There was a look in his eyes that made Ed’s chest ache again, a familiar look from nights ago. Ed seated himself beside him being sure to keep a safe amount of space between the two of them.

“You still think about that night a lot. You think about how differently things could have been, if only you had leaned in first, if only you had placed a hand against my cheek and guided me into what you were really hoping for.” 

“Stop it”

He couldn’t get the memory to leave his mind. The feeling of Oswald being close to him, but still not close enough. The look in those beautiful green eyes, a look that he hadn’t fully understood back then. He’d had an idea of what it could have been, but he refused to think somebody as divine and dangerous as Oswald would lessen himself to romantic feelings. Especially for somebody like Ed. 

“You know that I fell in love with you that night.”

Ed shuddered when he felt a wet hand on his thigh. He looked into the eyes of Oswald, the one who wasn’t alive or full of endless love. He studied his pale skin with its blue hue, he looked so cold despite the heat from the fire. Ed longed to hold him, to warm him up, and make this better.

“You never loved me.”

Oswald couldn’t love him, he couldn’t have fallen for somebody like Ed. He was just a jittery loser, a nobody. He hadn’t been anybody until Oswald carved him into somebody, Oswald didn’t love him, he loved the man he modelled him into. 

“Why didn’t you kiss me?” Oswald asked, his voice was soft and caring.

Ed remembered that sound, how soft and gentle his friend could be. When he wasn’t full of rage or irritation, then Oswald could be so gentle. Ed never saw him that way with anybody, it was reserved just for him.

Until now he didn’t notice that the ghost was closer now, close enough that Ed could see the circles beneath his tired eyes. He looked so cold, there was a slight hint of fear in his shining green eyes that Ed remembered well. The look at the docks, the hurt and the fear in his eyes after Ed had shot him.

It was quite a shocking difference from the look of adoration and love from just weeks prior to that. 

“You never loved the real me.”

“Does telling yourself that make all of this hurt less?” Oswald questioned.

Ed shivered when Oswald placed a hand against his cheek, his skin was freezing cold, he felt the droplets of water rolling down his cheek.

“Oswald….”

“You made me feel safe, you made me forget about all the pain I’d endured.”

“You only thought you loved me, you just missed your parents.”

Grief, he was grieving. He had missed his mother and father, that was all, Ed was just a placeholder. Oswald didn’t enjoy being alone, he’d grown too accustomed to always having at least one person to run to and talk to, Ed became that person. There were others Oswald probably would have preferred instead, but he’d been easily available.

“I couldn’t protect them, but I thought I could protect you. I would have burned the city to the ground for you, if anybody even thought of harming you I would have their head on a platter.”

The touch was so gentle, but cold. Ed placed his hand over Oswald’s, he found himself nuzzling against the palm of his hand, pressing his lips against his wrist.

“Why did you kill her?”

“You know why, the same reason that you killed Tom.”

Ed didn’t want to think about that, he didn’t want to compare what he had done to what Oswald had done. He didn’t want to give leeway and think that it was okay, that they were that similar. He didn’t want to think that Oswald could love him, he wasn’t worthy of that, he didn’t deserve that.

“Do you forgive me?” Ed asked

It was a dumb question, he knew there was no definitive answer. He knew that it no longer mattered when Oswald in all actuality was at the bottom of the river or washed up on the shore. 

“Do you want me to?”

He shook his head in response, no he didn’t deserve it.

He knew Oswald would never forgive him for the awful things he had done to him, for shooting him. Ed remembered him saying he forgave him for the things he had done, saying he understood that Ed was angry. It all hurt so much now, back then it had only pissed him off. 

This is how things were meant to be, not the other way.

“What would have happened if I had kissed you?” Ed asked curiously.

“I would have kissed you back, it wouldn’t have been all that perfect. I would have smiled against your lips, I probably would have laughed, and apologized half a dozen times. You would have held my face in your hands, told me it was okay, that I was doing just fine. I would have whispered to you that I love you, that nobody has made me feel the way that you do.”

Tears rolled down Ed’s cheeks, he couldn’t get his mind out of that moment, out of what could have been. He felt the cold wet lips of the ghost press against his own, just for a quick second, and the sensation left him sobbing.

Ed buried his face in his hands as he cried, he couldn’t shake any of it from his mind. He couldn’t let himself forget that ultimately he was completely alone, that the only man he’d ever or could ever love was buried in a watery grave.


End file.
